Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Too Strong and Independent, a Curse?

So you are a single woman who wants to be in a relationship, but you are at a loss about what to do. Here are my worthless two cents about just one reason why you may be alone. Before I start, I just want to state that this article does not describe all women, just some. I also want to mention that I got the idea for this entry after viewing a video by The Advise Show TV at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=At9-VZKTkYI.

The issue with many women is that they are too strong and independent. Some women think that a man wants from a relationship what a woman wants in a relationship, but they do not. What do I mean? A woman wants a man with a secure job who can figure out the answer to problems as they come up in a sound way. They also want someone will consult her when making decisions, yet assert himself when he decides what they need to do. 

A single woman sits there wondering why she is single. She can hardly ask a man this question or likewise ask why he in particular is not attracted to her, so the only thing she can go on is her own thoughts about singleness. She is sure about what she wants in a man and figures that men must want the same thing in a woman.

That is when women start focusing on all of the wrong things that actually push men away from them. They become more independent by working on things that men typically do, such as working on cars, fixer uppers around the house, and even lifting heavy weights as a part of their efforts to get fit. ‘This way,’ they imagine, ‘I will not have to ask a man for help with anything and he will see that I can handle everything on my own and he will want to be with me because he sees that I can take care of my own business.’

Then they further backslide and work on being a powerhouse leader at their job, even taking on a more aggressive tone in their day to day voice. ‘This way,’ they imagine, ‘he will see that I can make good decisions without help from others.’

The problem with doing these things to attract a man is that they make a woman come off as manly. No hetero man wants to be with another man. The things men say they like about a woman are never that she is able to do everything, make sound decisions, or has a good job. To the contrary, they say things like that she is supportive of the decisions he makes, does not rub it in when he makes mistakes, is loving and caring, and is resourceful in caring for the home. Furthermore, they appreciate a woman that is soft, warm, and… well… feminine. Besides, he is looking for a woman, not another man.

There is nothing wrong with a woman expanding her career, getting fit, and doing things she likes for herself (although ladies, if you do everything, there is nothing for the man to feel a sense of pride in accomplishing) but leave behind the strong and independent attitude that can come with these things. Never strip a man of his manhood. There are too many emasculated men around here today because mothers, girlfriends, and wives insist on taking the manhood right out of today’s males. A man is made for certain things and a woman is made for certain things. Long story short, a man is the head and is the one who should take the lead in household affairs. He consults his wife and has the family’s best interest in mind, but he makes the final decision. The wife is the supporter. She helps her husband in running the household and, after giving her opinion, allows him to make the final decision and happily supports what he has decided upon. And ladies, if you fear letting your man take the lead, then you need to evaluate the person that you chose to be with. Perhaps you did not do your homework on him.

I know there are women libbers out there who are appalled that a fellow woman would say such things. Hey, I am not saying that a woman cannot do the things I mentioned; I am simply saying that if she does she should expect to either remain single or to end up with a spineless man, and no one wants a spineless man.

But Erica, you ask, how do you know all of this? Simply put, because I was also a woman who looked at relationships incorrectly at one time. I thought I would be single forever. As a matter of fact, I am almost 30 and the man I am about to marry whom I met earlier this year is the only boyfriend I have ever had. Because of my lack of experience and prospects, I feared being an old lonely woman who had never known what it is like being with a soul mate. What was even scarier is that I know old women like that in my congregation who have never been married or even dated by all accounts. These women stated that they did want to be married but the right guy just never came along. The thought of being like them would instantly send me into a fit of depression. Why wants to end up alone, never having known true love?

I was sitting there trying to figure out why guys do not like me and what I can do to change that, and I came to all of the wrong conclusions that I mentioned in this article, the same wrong conclusions that my single female friends were coming to. I started working on my car (which I really like doing and still do today), doing fixer upper projects around the house, and working on expanding my career with the hopes that presenting myself as the woman with it all to a prospective boyfriend would be just the bait I needed to hook him. However, if anything, I only made a fool of myself with two guys by e-mailing one about a CD I like and segued into meeting him for a rendezvous (still cannot believe I did that), and inviting another in a very lame way to a party I was having. And people, these events happened in the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013, so it was not that long ago.

Shortly after the party that the guy did not show up for, I met my boyfriend and we hit it off almost immediately. The funny part is that my guard was completely down when I  met him, which allowed our friendship and love to grow naturally without moments of awkwardness.

So ladies, I know that you have been receiving advice from friends, family members, and all over the web about what to do to meet the right guy. Still, if I could give one piece of advice, it would be to stop looking for a guy, yet be ready to meet him. What do I mean? Do not do anything with the thought of meeting a man as your motive. Travel because you want to go somewhere new, go to a party because you want to mingle and meet new people, eat at a new restaurant because you want to experience food that tastes different than what you are used to; but when you do something for the reason of meeting someone, you are setting yourself for a failure when it [more than likely] does not happen.

But Erica, you ask, if I am not looking for a man, how am I supposed to be ready to meet him? Great question! By that, I mean making yourself visible, putting yourself around new groups of people, and really just enjoying life. Men love confidence, and as they come your way, keep things light and friendly, but do not dismiss him as just a new friend or someone who could not possibly be interested in you. A major reason why both men and women are still single is because they bypass their friends as possible love interests. My boyfriend and I were actually pretty close to passing each other by. I felt like I did not have a chance since he was so handsome and I usually am not attracted to very handsome men and vice versa, and he thought that he did not have a chance with me because he thought I would be condescending to be with him. Wouldn’t it have been a shame if we would have dismissed each other without giving one another a chance?

Along those same lines, whether he is an old friend or a new acquaintance, do not be so wrapped up in his packaging. What I mean is that he may come in a form you did not expect – he may be a race that you are not normally attracted to; he may have tattoos or piercings that you are not into; he may be a little taller, shorter, fatter, or skinnier than you were looking for; he may make a little less money than you were hoping for; and he may have a less than glamorous past – yet, he may still be the right man for you. Ladies, let’s go a little deeper in our thought processes. The women who go after these physical things are the same ones who get divorced because there was no substance in their relationship.

I know I am cheating, but I must give another piece of advice: Do not listen to your single friends’ advice about how to get a man. Think about it, if they have all of the answers, why are they still single? I remember a teacher telling me that if I want to be successful, listen to successes, not failures. Similarly, if you listen to advice from anyone, it should be from those who are in successful relationships. You may not listen to all of it because the success of advice depends on the individual, but you should definitely never listen to advice from a single person. I used to listen to a single friend of mine and she is the reason why I made a fool out of myself with those two guys. Then once I started to hang with my boyfriend, she was trying to sabotage it! Another truth is that some single friends cannot stand the thought of you finding a man before them so their advice may be less than helpful.

In addition, my friend is older and has way more experience. Actually, she was always quick to say how I should listen to her because she has more experience in dating. Do you know that she is still single to this day with no prospects? I am glad that I stopped listening to her. By the way, when it comes to dating, experience means next to nothing, especially someone else’s experience. You have to be you no matter what. Never allow someone to take you out of your comfort zone and become something you are not.

I hope this information was helpful.

To my single ladies, why do you think you are still single? To my ladies who have a man, how did you two meet and what advice would you give to a single person? To the guys out there, what advice can you give single women on how to hook a great guy?

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